I hate these kind of days.
I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.
I couldn’t get motivated to do anything.
I forced myself to do something.
I feel like I got nothing done.
And now, I’m tired, but I don’t want to go to bed.
A bunch of little things went wrong – like the wrong year on tickets that I noticed AFTER I printed 100 sheets. Nothing major, just frustrating. I had to walk down the driveway in the snow and then the truck wouldn’t come back up.
Does every woman struggle with depression from time to time? It seems like it. I’m blessed, I’ve never had to be medicated for it. Just have a day like today now and again. When I was younger it was much worse. I’d have days when I couldn’t get out of bed. But I never told anyone. I thought it meant I was weak. Now I know it just means I’m normal. And even if it was chronic or clinical, it still doesn’t mean weakness anymore than cancer or diabetes is a weakness.
The thing is it doesn’t matter right now if it means I’m weak or not. I just know that I hate the kitchen being a mess and I don’t want to clean it. The dogs need a bath, and it’s not going to happen today. I’ve felt like this before, but it’s been a while. And it’s so much different now.
In the past I’d get caught up in it. The depression would make me more depressed. It was almost a cycle I could get caught up in, and it seemed as if there were no way out. Now, I know better. Now I know I’m just feeling bad because of yesterday. Now I understand that it may even be caused because I’m outside of God’s will (especially doing more than God asks me to). And now I can live a bit more like Habakkuk.
I started enjoying the prophet with only three chapters a few years ago. It’s really a very depressing little book. Habakkuk complains. God says you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Habakkuk complains again and God just pours on more bad news. But Habakkuk’s prayer at the end has often become my prayer.
Habakkuk 3 is the prophets swan song, so to speak. Even after much bad news from our Heavenly Father, Habakkuk can find good. He can find a reason to praise God, and He does:
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.
I have found after all these years of growing in Christ, even on days when I feel like the world is crashing in, I rejoice in the Lord. It feels as though nothing can go right, but I am still Joyful in my Savior. He is my strength, and this feeling will soon pass. Then the Sovereign will be my strength. He’ll make me as surefooted as a deer and take me to the top of the mountain. I can’t wait, cause this valley is getting cold and dark.