I have to vent again. So, here it is. And again, while I feel as though I can’t say this outloud to anyone, I almost hope someone reads, hears and acts.
Why do people think they are the only one who gets hurt? When you are hurt, but won’t talk to me about it, I hurt. And I wish it was just my feelings. That I’ve learned to live with. But this physical pain, it’s much more difficult to handle.
I can’t breathe. My heart feels as though it’s ripping in two. I can almost feel the hands around my throat choaking the life out of me. My head spins and depression overwhelms me. I want to talk. I want to find out what I need to apologize for. Because obviously if you hurt bad enough to cause me this pain, I must have done something that needs amends made. But if you’re answer is “everything’s alright,” I can’t begin the healing process.
Ignoring the pain hurts so much more than talking about it. But perhaps you don’t feel this deep, deep trauma. Maybe yours is only a flesh wound. How much more of this can I deal with?
On the other hand, I’m sure it’s the enemy. He hates it when people are having healthy relationships. He hates it when I feel good. I think he’s discovered one of the only ways to cause me true pain is to hurt others. So, I will stand strong. Because I will not allow the enemy this victory. I will continue to try to mend what I can, but will only accept guilt from the Holy Spirit.
And I will continue to ache because love brings pain . . . but in the midst of my pain I will trust Christ. I will choose to believe that this pain will not be for nothing. I will learn, I will grow and perhaps the one I ache for will find truth in my Savior.