I’m beginning to understand once again why so many people want nothing to do with the church. It’s supposed to be a family, yet it doesn’t know how to function like a family. Jesus called us “friends.” I would think that would mean that we should also be friends with one another.
However, a family member doesn’t bail at the first sign of trouble. A friend can get her feelings hurt and come back because she knows that the other person would never have hurt her intentionally. Family can speak the truth without fear that someone will pack up and leave. Friends stick it out no matter what.
But the church is a place where we have to be careful how close we get, because otherwise it can hurt too badly. One person says something and unintentionally hurts another and the pain ripples through. I keep reminding myself that my battle is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12), yet it doesn’t lessen the pain. I find myself holding back tears. Perhaps I’m the only one who feels this way . . . or maybe it’s just me and the Holy Spirit.
I find myself afraid to make close friends within the church. I can’t share openly with them. It hurts too bad when they give up on the body of Christ. My heart physically wrenches inside of me. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I can’t talk about it. I’m not sure I’ll even be able to hit publish on this after I write it. I can just barely breathe.
For a day or two the pain will subside and then I’ll run across something that will remind me of those who have deserted me, and I feel as though I die a little inside. I can’t imagine the emotional pain Jesus must have endured as He walked the road to the cross. As if the physical pain wasn’t enough. To think that every friend He had would run the other way when He needed them the most. It must have been an even heavier burden than the beam of his mode of death.
I need to write some productive articles. I want so badly to write lyrics, but nothing will come. That’s really why I’m writing this. There is nothing else inside of me right now, and I’m hoping when all of this comes out, it will open the door for something more productive and inspirational, because I know this will seem as neither if anyone ever reads it.
If someone does happen on this, you needn’t worry about me. I know I sound pathetic, but deep inside I know, even if everyone else in the world had turned their back on me, I still have Jesus. It just hurts more and longer than I would have ever imagined. And just when I think the pain is subsiding, it happens again. Perhaps this is my weakness and the enemy knows . . . the thorn in my flesh . . . the thing that will perfect Christ’s power and make me strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
Right now I’m not really ready to be strong, though. No, tonight I just want to be a child and run to my Father and lie in His arms as He comforts me. It won’t be the first night He’s had to be my strength and my comfort recently. I’m sure He’s used to it.
I just wish it wouldn’t happen again . . . but I know it will. I can’t NOT care about people. I believe it’s the Holy Spirit within me that causes that drive. I want to stay detached. It would be so much easier. But it’s not possible. I care so deeply. I’m not good at showing it though. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe if people knew just how much I care.
No . . . it wouldn’t matter . . . it would still feel like this . . . it would hurt . . .
People will constantly let me down . . . I wish I could get used to it, but now after more than 20 years back in church . . .
I’ll never get used to it . . .
I’ll never quit caring . . .
I’ll never give up on those who I feel as though gave up on me . . .
Because the one who loves me . . . (Romans 8:37-39)
Will NEVER give up . . .